Week 15 - Common Oak & Sessile Oak

All my walks in the forest have not been wasted chasing squirrels. I have learnt something; There are two types of Oak tree native to the British Isles. The Common Oak and the Sessile Oak. The Sessile Oak prefers uplands areas while the Common Oak prefers lower regions. You can spot the difference via the acorns. On the Common Oak the acorns are on little stalks and on the Sessile Oak they are not. Oak trees can live up to a 1000 years.

So if you are from a foreign land and wish to amaze some native 'Brits' whilst walking in the woods this year then dazzle them with your 'two oak' tale. They will be impressed.

There are two types of squirrel also native to the UK; Fat squirrels and thin squirrels. The only way to tell the difference is that fat squirrels are good for eating and thin squirrels are not. Remember that. Does anyone know if a Sessile acorn fed squirrel is fatter than a Common acorn fed squirrel?

Week 14 - Thompson's Gazelle

Did you know ...top 10 fastest mammals

1. Cheetah 71 mph
2. Pronghorn Antelope 57 mph
=3. Blue Wildebeest (Brindled Gnu) 50 mph
=3. Springbok 50 mph
=3 Lion 50 mph
=6. Brown Hare 48 mph
=6. Red Fox 48 mph
=8. Grant's Gazelle 47 mph
=8. Thomson's Gazelle 47 mph
10. Horse 45 mph


WOW - I mean we all knew the Cheetah would be first, but what odds that a Pronghorn Antelope and a Brindled Gnu would be runners up? I mean, is a Red Fox really slower than the Brown Hare? I think not, otherwise we would be swamped with hare as the woofing fox would never never catch any.... and how do they know that a Grants Gazelle is exactly the same speed as a Thompson's Gazelle. How? hey .and ....my...Loins are woofing faaaaaaaa-rrrrssst. Remind me not to bark at any on my walks,,, do they live in London? Hyde Park? Wimbledon?.....Bromley?

WEEK 13 - Fat Dog Characteristics

This week I have listed just some of my best qualities. Please note that this is only the list of qualities that easily springs to mind. For those that require a complete list, then please email me.

Sensitive, charismatic, professional, determined, caring, compassionate, dedicated, intelligent, numeric, eduacted, rational, resourceful, considerate, respectful, friendly, generous, helpful, artistic, punctual, amicable, sympathetic, tenderhearted, thoughtful, tolerant, understanding, refined, patient, humorous, loyal, numeric and modest.

I like my Horlicks strong and my squirrels fat.

[Editors note: We do not recommend that you serve your dogs Horlicks they should be given a balanced diet without hot bedtime drinks]

WEEK 12 - Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse

A 7.2 magnitude earthquake has just hit the Mexico and the Western Colonies. Amazingly on it's website which normally is a paragon of sanity in a sea of foaming discordant, guttersnipes, the BBC has the following statement;

"The LA Fire Department had also responded to a number of automatic alarms and people being stuck in lifts, reports said. Rides were temporarily suspended at the Disneyland theme park in California."

Well, woof me. Temporarily. Yes, Temporarily. Roel (more of Roel later) says...

"wow if your in a roller coaster during a earthquake that would be hell"

No Roel, I thinks. My hell wares shorts and his name is ....Keith Chegwin!I have this reoccurring nightmare of being stuck in a lift with Satans dark four. That is; Kieth Chegwin, Michael Woofing Winner, Timmy Mallet & Christopher Biggins. The four horsemen of the Apocalypse of British TV. And, they are also arguing or singing or dancing and sometimes dancing and singing and arguing. Then, there I am the other day minding my own business, and who is outside the station... Keith "Cheggers" Chegwin (born 17 January 1957).. dressed as a Scout, uniform, shirt, shorts, woggle and all, It was not a pretty sight. He has a huge cheesy grin on his face. Wooof. He was surrounded by about a dozen 'kids' also looking cheerful, doing some sort of publicity shoot with TV cameras outside the main entrance. It's 7:45 AM. I made a mental note not to go in any lifts for the next few days. It was a scary morning.

So the question is... who would you prefer to be trapped in a lift with?

1) The Wicked Witch of the West (Wizard of Oz)
2) Count Olaf ( A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket)
3) Gargamel (with his mangy cat Azrael) (From the Smurfs)
4) Kieth Chegwin (The Pale Horse of Death)

or

1) Timmy Mallet (The Red Horse of War)
2) Michael Winner (The Black Horse of Famine)
3) Christopher Biggins (The White Horse of Righteousness)
4) Kieth Chegwin (The Pale Horse of Death)

...think about this next time you get in a lift.

WEEK 11 - Etiquette 1: The Underground

The Scene:

On the London Underground

The train screeches to a stop as if sucking air through it's teeth. The doors open and the hoards depart in their dark pageantry of chaos. All except a small dog, who sits on the carriage patiently with his owner.

Fat Dog's Underground Rules

1) The underground is a subterranean dog distopia fit only for troglodytes and transient humans. No place for a dog. Always remain calm, sanguine, and compliant but also aloof and disdainful whilst on the Underground. Remember to wipe you woof on the seats. By the looks of it humans do this a lot.

2) Whilst waiting for a train examine the yellow line beneath your paws. Stand where the yellow line is most worn as the train always stops in the same position. This is where the doors will be when the train stops.

3) Trolley bags. By the frequency that others are disadvantaged and inconvenienced by colliding and tripping over your towed luggage, is it not obvious that this is the wrong place to be walking your woofing bag. Take your bag to the park or somewhere where you can let it off and it can have a good run in the open and chase squirrels.

4) The bombings of 7/7 were in the front of the train. So for the paranoid always be sure to sit in the back carriage.

5) Never sit in the back carriage as when two trains collide the metal is torn apart like a lawnmower cutting through tinfoil.

6) Never sit in the front carriage either for the same reason.

7) For the day trippers who are afraid of being trapped on the train at their station this is how it works: The train stops, then you get off. It does not work the other way round. There is no point in forcing your way towards the door till the train stops.... OK?