WEEK 11 - Etiquette 1: The Underground

The Scene:

On the London Underground

The train screeches to a stop as if sucking air through it's teeth. The doors open and the hoards depart in their dark pageantry of chaos. All except a small dog, who sits on the carriage patiently with his owner.

Fat Dog's Underground Rules

1) The underground is a subterranean dog distopia fit only for troglodytes and transient humans. No place for a dog. Always remain calm, sanguine, and compliant but also aloof and disdainful whilst on the Underground. Remember to wipe you woof on the seats. By the looks of it humans do this a lot.

2) Whilst waiting for a train examine the yellow line beneath your paws. Stand where the yellow line is most worn as the train always stops in the same position. This is where the doors will be when the train stops.

3) Trolley bags. By the frequency that others are disadvantaged and inconvenienced by colliding and tripping over your towed luggage, is it not obvious that this is the wrong place to be walking your woofing bag. Take your bag to the park or somewhere where you can let it off and it can have a good run in the open and chase squirrels.

4) The bombings of 7/7 were in the front of the train. So for the paranoid always be sure to sit in the back carriage.

5) Never sit in the back carriage as when two trains collide the metal is torn apart like a lawnmower cutting through tinfoil.

6) Never sit in the front carriage either for the same reason.

7) For the day trippers who are afraid of being trapped on the train at their station this is how it works: The train stops, then you get off. It does not work the other way round. There is no point in forcing your way towards the door till the train stops.... OK?