Week 28 - Train Etiquette 1

Fat Dog's Do's & Don'ts for Commuter Train Travel:

1) Sit in the first seat you see.
2) Don't pick you nose.
3) Don't pick your ear.
4) Don't pick your feet.
5) In fact DON'T PICK ANYTHING!
6) Sit Still.
7) Do have a quiet conversation with your companions.
8) Don't shout down the woofing mobile as if you are on a wind swept mountain top and the call is a matter of life or death. IT'S NOT! SHUT THE WOOF UP!
9) If you are a big fat woof then don't sit next to another big fat woofer (this rule supersedes rule 1)
10) If you have to make a call then keep it short, keep it quiet and don't just 'chat'
11) If you are a woofing day tripper and are bored after siting still for more than 60 seconds then don't ring home to ask if they know the whereabouts of your woofing PINK JUMPER ....'well I wore it when we went to Samantha's and Jeremy's BBQ last Sunday!'
12) If you are hungry don't ring home to arrange pizza... 'can I have [pause].. tomato..fresh not canned, [pause], mushrooms, [pause], peppers, [pause] , err, [pause], bacon, [pause], err, [pause] ....
13) Don't arrange your wallet, phone, ipod, in a line in front of you on the table and constantly pick one after the other up and examine it.
14) If you are on a training day in London with Sharon, Tracey and Sandra then just shut the woof up! No one wants to listen to you go on and on and on and on about office politics! TRUST ME ON THIS ONE!
15) Don't ask to see any ones ticket even if you are a ticket conductor, they have gates at both ends and no one gives a woof.
16) If some woof in a coat does ask to see your ticket then take 20 seconds to get your wallet out, then very slowly find your ticket, drop it on the floor, then slowly pick it up and proffer it to the inspector, only to exclaim 'ohh sorry, that was my ticket to visit Auntie Doris last Sunday'
17) Never ever, ever, eat anything on a train.
18) Always when drinking ice cool drinks go 'Ahhhhhhhhhh' after every sip.
19) If there is a choice between two empty seats, then pick the woof who has piled up his woofing bag and coat in the empty seat. Never offer to put it on the rack for them.
20) & never put anything in the overhead rack ..ever, you will forget it.
21) Never put your bag in the vestibule rack - once a bag full of IRA 'stuff' was stolen from a vestibule rack at Reading Station. This goes to show that both thieves and the IRA are crazy. The thief got two miles away before he realized he had a bag full of wires and batteries etc.
22) Don't repeatedly lift the back of seat shelf.
23) TAKE YOUR RUBBISH WITH YOU OR PUT IT IN THE VESTIBULE BIN! THIS INCLUDES EMPTY COFFEE CONTAINERS AND DIRTY TISSUES.
24) LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW WHILST MAKING A VERY ANNOYING PERSONAL CALL DOES NOT MAKE THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU 'DISAPPEAR'.
25) NO FARTING
26) AND NO WOOFING COUGHING, SNEEZING OR BLOWING YOUR NOSE, GO TO THE VESTIBULE/TOILET. IF YOU ARE SICK AND GOING TO WORK YOU ARE NOT A MARTYR YOU ARE A C.. WOOF!
27) NEVER TAKE MORE THAN 1/2 THE CENTRE ARMREST.
28) NEVER MAKE THE SAME WOOFING CALL TO ALL 25 OF YOUR FRIENDS TO TELL THEM ABOUT SOME INSIGNIFICANT HAPPENING IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU THINK IS EXCITING = 'HEY, GUESS WHAT! I FOUND MY PINK JUMPER! IT WAS IN THE CAT BASKET, YES IT WAS'
29) DON'T RING HOME TO DISCUSS HOW YOUR AMAZING TRAINING DAY WENT.
30) ALWAYS FALL ASLEEP AND DRIBBLE ON THE SHOULDER OF THE PERSON SITTING NEXT TO YOU.
31) When you have got the hang of DRIBBLING then try SLOBBERING, they will give you even more room!
32) Do remain calm at all times and enjoy your journey.
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