WEEK 10 - Murgh Dopiazah: Fat Dog Curry

This is Fat Dogs favourite curry. Fit for a beast!

Chicken With Onions: Murgh Dopiazah

x4 Chicken Breasts
x2 Large Onions
x2 Cloves Garlic
Chillies
Fresh Ginger
Lemon
Cooking Oil or Ghee (butter)
x2 Teaspoons of Ground Cumin
x1 Teaspoon of Ground Coriander
x1 Teaspoon of Ground Turmeric
x1 teaspoon of Star Anise (about x1 'star')
Chili powder
Chicken stock
1/2 Teaspoon of Saffron Threads
Salt/Pepper
1/2 Pint Natural Yogurt
Small Pot of Cream or Crème fraiche


For The Paste:

Put the ginger, chillies, x1 onion, garlic with the lemon juice and turn to paste. You can grate the onion and ginger if you don't have a liquidiser.

Preparation:

Cut up the chicken as you like and fry in hot oil until browned. Then remove and set aside. Chop 2nd large onion into slices and fry on high heat till softened. Then add the cumin, coriander, turmeric, aniseed and chili powder. They stir for 2 or 3 minutes and add back in the chicken pieces and add the stock to the pan.

Bring back to the boil for 2 or 3 minutes then add the paste mix from the liquidiser. Stir and then simmer for 15 minutes.

Meanwhile pour 1/2 inch of boiling water over the saffron in a cup. Leave to stand and then add this mixture now.

Cook for about 30 minutes. Then add salt/pepper. Add yogurt, stir in and re-heat. Then take off heat and stir in pot of cream or Crème fraiche. You an add another squeeze of lemon if you wish.

This is an amazing curry the combination of lemon, saffron, onion and anise makes an unique flavour. Fat dog has had many, many curries and this is the best. Fat Dog serves Murgh Dopiazah with plain white rice, finely shredded cold lettuce, a large dollop of yogurt (with fresh crushed mint) and a squeeze of lemon (I usually put a bit more spices and chili in as fat dog likes it really hot and strong).

Rice:

For fluffy rice every time, soak the rice in cold water for 30 minutes. Then change the water several times until the water becomes clear (This removes the starches from the rice). Then simmer the rice GENTLY in lots of boiling water (LOTS of water) . Watch the rice very carefully, it will cook quicker because of the soaking. As soon as the rice slightly fills out remove and strain. It should still be hard. Don't worry. Put rice back into the pot. Stir. Take off heat and put on lid. Pot should be hot. Now leave rice in pot with lid on. In five minutes it should soften slightly. Do not overcook rice as it will becomes soft, pasty and fluffy and not fit for dog consumption.

WEEK 9 - Remember To Perambulate Your Quadraped

The scene:

A quiet county house on a Summers day. An elderly lady shuffles about the large well groomed garden. She holds a black metal coal shovel in one hand and a red rubber ball in the other.

Daisy the Doberman loved to play a game. It's very simple; throw the ball and she would chased it. Then she would return with the ball and drop it in the grass and even kick it at you until you threw it again. Sometimes, If she felt energetic then she would run directly at you. Then at the last second with the skill of a swerving dolphin she would just miss you. Her velocity was about 15mph. Like a bicycle going fast. A racing greyhound can do 37.5 mph, and Doberman have a lot of greyhound in them, notice the deep chest and long head and pointy snout.

OK that's the dog.

The lady was in the garden for a reason. She held the coal shovel with intent. She was scooping up dog mess from the garden. The sun was shining and all was pleasant..... that was about to change...

On one of Daisys return legs something went wrong. The lady had almost filled the shovel. It was getting heavy. She was just bending down to pick a last troublesome offering when ...yes... Daisy travelling faster than usual made a mistake. The dog hit the lady in the legs at full pelt. Now the effect of a 40kg dog hitting you in the legs at 15 mph is to hurl you into the air... and slightly forward...

The lady landed hard on the ground. Unfortunately she landed in the 'non grassy' area. Worse was to come...

The shovel.. hung in the air as it reached the zenith of its arc then it descended back to earth with Newtonian precision.

The lady was in fact in pain. She could not move. She did roll a little, somewhat compounding matters. Now Daisy, with no ill effects, had regained her four feet, found the ball and quickly returned to to resume the game. However the lady appeared to want to play another sort of game as she was writhing on the grass and making funny noises. Daisy decided this was a prompt for her to lick the lady's face to see if she could help out. As dogs do. We are kind like that. Always helpful dogs you know. Good in a crisis.

So there you have it. I believe this scene went on for some time. The lady was unable to stand up in her ....distress as there was a 40kg dog standing over her. My master recounts the tale as when he appeared on the scene the lady had managed to make it indoors ejecting the words 'where have you been, I've been calling for ages!'

..and the moral for this weeks story? Fat Dog says: Walk your dog, or else!

WEEK 8 - Dead Squirrel

This weeks story starts on my daily recreational perambulation...

The Scene:

In a quiet country lane a man walks a small dog on a long lead.

I spot a motionless squirrel on the grassy verge. He's is nice looking little chap, quite dead. He has that clenched look on his face and looks full of flavour. I'm just just giving him the once over with my tongue when...

Mr Blog: "STOP - BAD DOG!"

I move my weight squirrelwards to counter the force on my lead that is imminent. My legs and shoulders tense, I drop my center of gravity, I ready myself with all the poise of an Olympic gymnast.

I lunge for my little friend.

At the same instant Mr Blog my 'owner' yanks my lead. It's close, but alas! Too late. I am dragged down they lane in protest without my prize.

I look up at my owner.

"BUT THAT WAS A SQUIRREL!" That is why we come on walks - to find squirrels!.

He ignores me. I sulk. That was my squirrel, I found it. I turn my head and mournfully look back. Nothing wrong with that squirrel. Why did we leave it behind?

See if humans don't like germs they why the woof do they go into hospitals? The place is full of germs and stuff. Even worse they go into the patient lounge and handle the TV remote. Woofing woof woof that is crawling with germs. They might as well be holding a squirrel!

Then there are Pharmacies. Only sick people go there and then they use the pen in the little pot on the counter to sign stuff. Woof, don't even think of touching anything after using those pens, and certainly don't use that hand to pop a pill into your mouth. As you might as well be licking a dead squirrel.

Fat Dog says - Remember to take you own pen to the Pharmacy next time you go to get at prescription and have to sign something.

WEEK 6 - "Ohh Oh Something To Do" - 24 Series 8

Dogs have good hearing, and we overhear a lot of strange stuff I can tell you. For example I head this man the other day talking into a little black box.

Man on mobile - "No I took both shoes today"

pause

Man on mobile - "Because I did not want to leave one at home"

I pondered on this a while. I came to no real conclusion. I stared at the floor, then at his feet. Yes, he had two legs and yes he was wearing two black shoes. What on woof was he on about? Last week, in the lift, the conversation got even stranger.

It went like this;

Girl 1 - "Blah blah blah, yeah and of course there is 24, I like that"
Girl 2 - "oh yeah series 7, seen all of those"
Girl 1 - "No, not series 7, Series 8 is out now"
Girl 2 - looks up in amazement
Girl 2 - "Ohhhhhhh"
Girl 2 - "Ohhhhhhh"
Girl 2 - "Something to do in the evenings!"
Girl 2 - smile

..she must lead an exciting life then. Woof me and I thought chasing squirrels in the forest was a fun day out. So in 24 there are x24 shows, each 45 minutes long and it covers a full 24 hours of this humans frenetic life. I don't know what humans do all day but my day usually goes a bit like this;

- 1/2 hour thinking about squirrels.
- 1/2 hour burying things in the garden (possibly a squirrel!).
- 1/2 hour eating.
- 1/2 hour trying to remember where I buried the stuff from earlier.
- 1/2 hour sniffing my butt etc (euphemism).
- 1/2 hour for recreation.
- 21 hours sleeping and lying about. Dog rest. Staring at ceiling etc.

So when does Jack Bower get time to do a bit a squirrel chasing? He does not. This programme is not realistic, I doubt it's realism.

WEEK 5 - A Dog Of Letters

I like to believe I am well read in the book department and familiar with the 'classics'; Tess of the Baskerville's, the The Da Vinci Code, Delia etc. I now only read the following:

1) Marquis de Sade - Complete Works.
2) Argos Catalogue (2010 Edition)
3) Pre-1967 Lincoln City Football Programmes.

The Marquis adds an excellent historical and literal component, Argos's mighty tome keeps you current with the latest gadgets and street speak, and I do relish the football programmes for their quaint colloquialisms and vernacular peculiarities. I do not read anything else.

My owner does not read, but to look intelligent he keeps on his desk a lone book. Purchased from a second hand book shop this single act has increased his standing at work by leaps and bounds. Try the following:

- Alistair Cook - The Biography by Nick Clarke
- Explorations in Western Philosophy
- Globalizing Capital: A History of the International Monetary System (second edition)

You need the book to be impressive, and boring. Should your choice prove too mainstream then this might invite questioning. Since you have no intention of reading past the outside cover, questions are to be avoided. Try to pick books that are out of print as there is less chance of others having read them. Nothing less that 500 pages should be considered. Make sure they are displayed on your desk and over a few weeks move an old train ticket through the pages as if reading. Never fails to impress. Always keep some generic retort ready for the suspicious intellectual tyring to catch you out.... "ohh yes, not bad, but I've read better".,, ooh and never ever try this with anything remotely political and never use a new book it must be second hand.

WEEK 4 - Fat Dog Meatballs

Fat Dog food! This a a great dog dinner!

For The Meatballs:

- 1 lb Mincemeat (make your own!)
- Coriander (or any fresh herb)
- Olive oil for binding
- pinch of flour
- Crushed garlic
- Chillies

For The Sauce:

- Olive oil
- 1 Medium Onion
- 1 Tin of Tomatoes
- Coriander (or any fresh herb)
- Paprika
- Red Wine Vinegar

+ Dumplings (packet), spinach and chilled creme fraiche.


Method:

Don't use ready made mince. It's rubbish. Make your own meatballs by gently blitzing steak meat of your choice in a blender, leave some fat in. Do not turn it to mush. One second blitz then shake, repeat a few times. Mix all the ingredients together and shape into meatballs then fry in olive oil for 10 min or until they start to go dark brown. Then set aside. Meanwhile, fry the onion in olive oil then add the tin and all the other ingredients. Add water if needed. Then simmer slowly for 20 min to reduce (add a pinch of flower if needed to thicken). Add the meatballs with the olive oil and any bits. I then add dumplings. When the dumplings (packet) and cook with the lid on the pan for approx 25 minutes. When everything is ready I then cover the pan with a thick layer of fresh spinach and cook till the spinach starts to wilt (2 minute). Serve with a big spoon full of chilled creme fraiche.

Additional - I normally add extra garlic and chillies, and a spoon full of mustard to the dumplings. You can also use rosemary or basil or thyme instead of coriander. You should not think of these as meatballs, but rather steak balls as you know what has gone into them.

WEEK 3 - A Dog's Dinner - Air, Water & Food

My owner takes me to the Vet.

"My dog is fat" he says. The Vet ponders whilst I look at the floor. I'm not that fat. Then the Vet enquires;

"Mr Blog. There are only three things that go into your dog",

1) Air
2) Water
3) Food

"Which one do you think is making him fat?"

I look up.

By the spark of enlightenment and guilt that briefly occupies his face I believe my owner has guessed the right answer. Woof. Now he knows.

I stare at the Vet - I'll chase his cat one day.

Well it's not my fault is it? Humans are the problem. Look at fat humans they;

1) Go and buy the food
2) Prepare the food
3) Eat the food

All I do is eat what he gives me. Thus Fat Dog Says: Fat humans are x3 times as bad as fat dogs. If you are human and don't want to be fat then desist in any one of those three processes, either don't buy fat food, or don't cook it, or even then you don't have to eat the woofing stuff.

Anyway .... where is my dinner? A fat dog can not live on air and water alone.

WEEK 2 - ...Comming Soon

This is the working list of future weekly updates;

- Trapped in a lift with K.Chegwin, T.Mallet & M.Winner
- Utopia Game, Dar, Ashen, Roel, Burnty and all the gang
- Roel's Got Fleas
- Fat Dog Curry
- Fat Dog Pizza
- Fat Dog Chicken Courgette
- Fat Dog Salad
- Sausages & Fat Dog
- Bill Bryson
- Entertainment Value - Per Hour Per Pound
- People Minutes
- New Office Staff - Practical Jokes
- Of Furniture, Carpets and Curtains
- Monkeys In The Workplace?
- Sloths - The Easy Life
- Christmas Is For Pagans!
- Oliver Cromwell and Christmas
- Say No To Sandals & Shorts
- Flip Flops, Backpack and Sunglasses
- Dining Etiquette 1
- Lift Etiquette 1
- Train Etiquette 1 - In The Beginning
- Train Etiquette 2 - First Come First Served
- Bankers = Beancounters
- Supermarkets and YOU
- Of Bonfires & Front and Back Gardens
- Fatty Arbuckle
- Train Etiquette 4 - Mobile Phones
- Train Etiquette 3 - Dan & The Fat Man
- Chavs in Lan-dan innit
- FCUK = SIHT
- Of Cars & Parking
- Never Eat OTHER PEOPLES Biscuits!
- Fat Dog's scale of Woof!
- Do Squirrels live in trees?

One post a week (Friday lunchtime). This is just my notes. I'll add recipes also as Fat Dog loves good fud. I have a wealth of material to post, and with recipes and topical comments I probably have 100 posts without even trying.

WEEK 1 - Introduction

Woof! Well here we are. Fat Dog Blog. The world according to me ... Fat Dog. I have a lot to say! So pay attention and you might just learn something...

I must mention that none of the following material is copyright, use it for what you want, I really don't care - do your worst and give me a mention if you become rich and famous. Most of it is ripped off anyway. Ideas are never 100% genuine, well perhaps my one about a comedy sketch where Rolf Harris is employed at the National Gallery as a enthusiastic picture restorer (can you tell what it is yet?), might be genuine, but most are not.

Please be aware that my brain is not linear; it zig-zags through consciousness like an out of control bus, creating rare and unique connections that others overlook. It is a talent that I am sure you all will appreciate.

So please follow this blog weekly - I intend to publish once a week to cheer you up. All comments both good and bad are welcome! Woof Woof!