Week 28 - Train Etiquette 1

Fat Dog's Do's & Don'ts for Commuter Train Travel:

1) Sit in the first seat you see.
2) Don't pick you nose.
3) Don't pick your ear.
4) Don't pick your feet.
5) In fact DON'T PICK ANYTHING!
6) Sit Still.
7) Do have a quiet conversation with your companions.
8) Don't shout down the woofing mobile as if you are on a wind swept mountain top and the call is a matter of life or death. IT'S NOT! SHUT THE WOOF UP!
9) If you are a big fat woof then don't sit next to another big fat woofer (this rule supersedes rule 1)
10) If you have to make a call then keep it short, keep it quiet and don't just 'chat'
11) If you are a woofing day tripper and are bored after siting still for more than 60 seconds then don't ring home to ask if they know the whereabouts of your woofing PINK JUMPER ....'well I wore it when we went to Samantha's and Jeremy's BBQ last Sunday!'
12) If you are hungry don't ring home to arrange pizza... 'can I have [pause].. tomato..fresh not canned, [pause], mushrooms, [pause], peppers, [pause] , err, [pause], bacon, [pause], err, [pause] ....
13) Don't arrange your wallet, phone, ipod, in a line in front of you on the table and constantly pick one after the other up and examine it.
14) If you are on a training day in London with Sharon, Tracey and Sandra then just shut the woof up! No one wants to listen to you go on and on and on and on about office politics! TRUST ME ON THIS ONE!
15) Don't ask to see any ones ticket even if you are a ticket conductor, they have gates at both ends and no one gives a woof.
16) If some woof in a coat does ask to see your ticket then take 20 seconds to get your wallet out, then very slowly find your ticket, drop it on the floor, then slowly pick it up and proffer it to the inspector, only to exclaim 'ohh sorry, that was my ticket to visit Auntie Doris last Sunday'
17) Never ever, ever, eat anything on a train.
18) Always when drinking ice cool drinks go 'Ahhhhhhhhhh' after every sip.
19) If there is a choice between two empty seats, then pick the woof who has piled up his woofing bag and coat in the empty seat. Never offer to put it on the rack for them.
20) & never put anything in the overhead rack ..ever, you will forget it.
21) Never put your bag in the vestibule rack - once a bag full of IRA 'stuff' was stolen from a vestibule rack at Reading Station. This goes to show that both thieves and the IRA are crazy. The thief got two miles away before he realized he had a bag full of wires and batteries etc.
22) Don't repeatedly lift the back of seat shelf.
23) TAKE YOUR RUBBISH WITH YOU OR PUT IT IN THE VESTIBULE BIN! THIS INCLUDES EMPTY COFFEE CONTAINERS AND DIRTY TISSUES.
24) LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW WHILST MAKING A VERY ANNOYING PERSONAL CALL DOES NOT MAKE THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU 'DISAPPEAR'.
25) NO FARTING
26) AND NO WOOFING COUGHING, SNEEZING OR BLOWING YOUR NOSE, GO TO THE VESTIBULE/TOILET. IF YOU ARE SICK AND GOING TO WORK YOU ARE NOT A MARTYR YOU ARE A C.. WOOF!
27) NEVER TAKE MORE THAN 1/2 THE CENTRE ARMREST.
28) NEVER MAKE THE SAME WOOFING CALL TO ALL 25 OF YOUR FRIENDS TO TELL THEM ABOUT SOME INSIGNIFICANT HAPPENING IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU THINK IS EXCITING = 'HEY, GUESS WHAT! I FOUND MY PINK JUMPER! IT WAS IN THE CAT BASKET, YES IT WAS'
29) DON'T RING HOME TO DISCUSS HOW YOUR AMAZING TRAINING DAY WENT.
30) ALWAYS FALL ASLEEP AND DRIBBLE ON THE SHOULDER OF THE PERSON SITTING NEXT TO YOU.
31) When you have got the hang of DRIBBLING then try SLOBBERING, they will give you even more room!
32) Do remain calm at all times and enjoy your journey.
33) ZZZZZZZZzzzz [dribble] ZZZZZZzzzzzz [dribble] [dribble]ZZZzzz ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz

Week 26 - A Cure for Hiccups!

Dogs don't get hiccups. But this one really works on humans... trust me this is not a joke.

THE CURE: Place your fingers in your ears and drink water. You can either get a friend to gently tip half a glass(don't use full glass) to your mouth or use a straw. One good sip and swallow works by equalizing the pressure in your ears. Works every time to everyone's amazement.

Just tell them a little dog told you the secret!

Week 22 - Plastic

The little dog sniffs the plastic container. 'PLASTIC!' thinks Fat Dog. The dog rolls the bottle over so he can see the bottom. The bottle has a number '1' in a triangle mark on the base. 'What does this mean' thinks the little dog? In the UK humans only recycle the plastic marked with either a 1, 2 or a 3. The other types of plastic (from 4 to 7) can be recycled but they are low grades and humans use they to fill up very large holes in the ground. So remember Fat Dog says look at the number on the base! 1,2,3 is good and must be recycled. They get the FAT DOG SQUIRREL MARK of approval! If in doubt, think FAT DOG and look for the triangle mark & remember 123 PET-HDPE-PVC


1 PET Polyethylene terephthalate - Fizzy drink bottles and oven-ready meal trays.

2 HDPE High-density polyethylene - Bottles for milk and washing-up liquids.

3 PVC Polyvinyl chloride - Food trays, cling film, bottles for squash, mineral water and shampoo.

4 LDPE Low density polyethylene - Carrier bags and bin liners.

5 PP Polypropylene - Margarine tubs, microwaveable meal trays.

6 PS Polystyrene - Yoghurt pots, foam meat or fish trays, hamburger boxes and egg cartons, vending cups, plastic cutlery, protective packaging for electronic goods and toys.

7 OTHER Any other plastics that do not fall into any of the above categories. - An example is melamine, which is often used in plastic plates and cups.

More information here: http://www.wasteonline.org.uk/resources/InformationSheets/Plastics.htm

WEEK 9 - Remember To Perambulate Your Quadraped

The scene:

A quiet county house on a Summers day. An elderly lady shuffles about the large well groomed garden. She holds a black metal coal shovel in one hand and a red rubber ball in the other.

Daisy the Doberman loved to play a game. It's very simple; throw the ball and she would chased it. Then she would return with the ball and drop it in the grass and even kick it at you until you threw it again. Sometimes, If she felt energetic then she would run directly at you. Then at the last second with the skill of a swerving dolphin she would just miss you. Her velocity was about 15mph. Like a bicycle going fast. A racing greyhound can do 37.5 mph, and Doberman have a lot of greyhound in them, notice the deep chest and long head and pointy snout.

OK that's the dog.

The lady was in the garden for a reason. She held the coal shovel with intent. She was scooping up dog mess from the garden. The sun was shining and all was pleasant..... that was about to change...

On one of Daisys return legs something went wrong. The lady had almost filled the shovel. It was getting heavy. She was just bending down to pick a last troublesome offering when ...yes... Daisy travelling faster than usual made a mistake. The dog hit the lady in the legs at full pelt. Now the effect of a 40kg dog hitting you in the legs at 15 mph is to hurl you into the air... and slightly forward...

The lady landed hard on the ground. Unfortunately she landed in the 'non grassy' area. Worse was to come...

The shovel.. hung in the air as it reached the zenith of its arc then it descended back to earth with Newtonian precision.

The lady was in fact in pain. She could not move. She did roll a little, somewhat compounding matters. Now Daisy, with no ill effects, had regained her four feet, found the ball and quickly returned to to resume the game. However the lady appeared to want to play another sort of game as she was writhing on the grass and making funny noises. Daisy decided this was a prompt for her to lick the lady's face to see if she could help out. As dogs do. We are kind like that. Always helpful dogs you know. Good in a crisis.

So there you have it. I believe this scene went on for some time. The lady was unable to stand up in her ....distress as there was a 40kg dog standing over her. My master recounts the tale as when he appeared on the scene the lady had managed to make it indoors ejecting the words 'where have you been, I've been calling for ages!'

..and the moral for this weeks story? Fat Dog says: Walk your dog, or else!

WEEK 8 - Dead Squirrel

This weeks story starts on my daily recreational perambulation...

The Scene:

In a quiet country lane a man walks a small dog on a long lead.

I spot a motionless squirrel on the grassy verge. He's is nice looking little chap, quite dead. He has that clenched look on his face and looks full of flavour. I'm just just giving him the once over with my tongue when...

Mr Blog: "STOP - BAD DOG!"

I move my weight squirrelwards to counter the force on my lead that is imminent. My legs and shoulders tense, I drop my center of gravity, I ready myself with all the poise of an Olympic gymnast.

I lunge for my little friend.

At the same instant Mr Blog my 'owner' yanks my lead. It's close, but alas! Too late. I am dragged down they lane in protest without my prize.

I look up at my owner.

"BUT THAT WAS A SQUIRREL!" That is why we come on walks - to find squirrels!.

He ignores me. I sulk. That was my squirrel, I found it. I turn my head and mournfully look back. Nothing wrong with that squirrel. Why did we leave it behind?

See if humans don't like germs they why the woof do they go into hospitals? The place is full of germs and stuff. Even worse they go into the patient lounge and handle the TV remote. Woofing woof woof that is crawling with germs. They might as well be holding a squirrel!

Then there are Pharmacies. Only sick people go there and then they use the pen in the little pot on the counter to sign stuff. Woof, don't even think of touching anything after using those pens, and certainly don't use that hand to pop a pill into your mouth. As you might as well be licking a dead squirrel.

Fat Dog says - Remember to take you own pen to the Pharmacy next time you go to get at prescription and have to sign something.

WEEK 5 - A Dog Of Letters

I like to believe I am well read in the book department and familiar with the 'classics'; Tess of the Baskerville's, the The Da Vinci Code, Delia etc. I now only read the following:

1) Marquis de Sade - Complete Works.
2) Argos Catalogue (2010 Edition)
3) Pre-1967 Lincoln City Football Programmes.

The Marquis adds an excellent historical and literal component, Argos's mighty tome keeps you current with the latest gadgets and street speak, and I do relish the football programmes for their quaint colloquialisms and vernacular peculiarities. I do not read anything else.

My owner does not read, but to look intelligent he keeps on his desk a lone book. Purchased from a second hand book shop this single act has increased his standing at work by leaps and bounds. Try the following:

- Alistair Cook - The Biography by Nick Clarke
- Explorations in Western Philosophy
- Globalizing Capital: A History of the International Monetary System (second edition)

You need the book to be impressive, and boring. Should your choice prove too mainstream then this might invite questioning. Since you have no intention of reading past the outside cover, questions are to be avoided. Try to pick books that are out of print as there is less chance of others having read them. Nothing less that 500 pages should be considered. Make sure they are displayed on your desk and over a few weeks move an old train ticket through the pages as if reading. Never fails to impress. Always keep some generic retort ready for the suspicious intellectual tyring to catch you out.... "ohh yes, not bad, but I've read better".,, ooh and never ever try this with anything remotely political and never use a new book it must be second hand.