Week 31 - Flip-Flops & Sandals

OMG, OMG, WOOF WOOF WOOFING WOOF-WOOF

1. Backpacks
2. Sunglasses
3. Flip Flops (sandals)

...on the underground.... Why! Take the Woofing sunglasses off your head, you are 30 metres under the ground, you don't need sunglasses! Backpacks are OK ..but take the woofing thing off and carry it so you don't shove it into the person when you turn round.

[Calm]... OK, so we have established that sunglasses and backpacks are more the attire of Michael Palin during a Summer sojourn in the Himalayas. What about the KILLER FLIP FLOPS!

======================================
====== FLIP-FLOPS ARE BEACH APPAREL ======
======================================

I will repeat. Beach, remember, sand, sun and discarded plastic bottles? That is where you ware sandals..NOT ON THE WOOFING METRO!. FLIP-FLOPS ARE DANGEROUS. It is a fact that elevators are x20 dangerous than lifts. Thousands of people are hurt (some seriously) on elevators each year.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Escalator

Many people have toes and other digits 'removed' by escalators each year. They seriously are dangerous. Wearing open-toed sandals in very crowded conditions where many of the people are unfamiliar with their surroundings is crazy. I have seen a one girl with her toe ripped open. Take special care with children, they are the most likely to be hurt on escalators.

http://www.healthzone.ca/health/yourhealth/article/842095--so-many-ways-flip-flops-can-hurt-you

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4172888.stm

At one point, I had 14 pairs of golf shoes.
Tea Leoni

[sigh]

Week 27 - Monkey Art On The Moon

Dogs can read you know. We tear up the paper to hide the fact that we slobber on the pages whilst turning them. I read yesterday that there might be an art chip left on the moon. FAT DOG prefers the Internet and news like this is my favorite!

PBS’s History Detectives TV says there’s a tiny art museum on the moon. This rectangular, half-inch-by-three-quarter-inch ceramic chip was stowed away by the Apollo 12 crew on the great lunar schlep and it’s still up there.
The group canvas is mostly circuitry-esque, geometric shapes. Robert Rauschenberg drew a line. Claes Oldenburg drew Mickey Mouse’s head on a pike with his tongue jutting out. Andy Warhol drew a rocket. The kind that’s in your pants.

Mickey Mouse? Looks like a monkey to me!

LINK 1

LINK2

Week 21 - Squirrles! To Eat Or Not To Eat?

Did you know, that Red squirrels are protected. So even if you find a stunned one by the side of the road you can't chew it. However Grey squirrels are a different matter....

Grey Squirrels:

Grey squirrels are listed on schedule 9 of the Wildlife and Countryside Act 1981. This makes it an offence to release, or allow escape, into the wild any grey squirrel. It is also an offence, by an Order under the Destructive Imported Animals Act 1932, to keep or import grey squirrels except under licence.

So, If for example you find a stunned grey squirrel by the side of the road this then puts you in a dilemma. You are breaking the law if you release it and it is also an offence to keep it... the solution to this paradox is obvious ...a tasty snack! Problem solved!

Week 20 - The Marshmello Test

Marshmello Test, you will need sound.

Editor: Warning, this test does not apply to dogs.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amsqeYOk--w

Week 19 - Agent Dragonfly

A Small fat dog stares at a screen and shakes his head.... This is from a blog called Agent Dragonfly.. Woofey, some people will write about ANYTHING!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Dishwasher Organization

...being all clean and perfect but I learned to let go. I had to for my own sanity.............one thing that I actually am anal about is how the dishwasher is packed. I don't know why, but I seriously have a system that I am pretty sure is the best sytem around and it saves space and therefor saves water and energy........
I am a flight attendant and am out of town ALL the time......when I come home and I see a TINY bowl taking up 3 spaces I freak out.......I have to rearrange the whole dishwasher. I have tried or at least mentioned the dishwashing system to Joe but that doesn't seem to matter. Its ridiculous but it matters to me and I am sick of moving stupid bowls or gladware from the wrong tier of the dishwashing system.
AND FYI Sara......your place is INCREDIBLY fabulous but when I tried to put the dishes in the dishwasher I did not understand your system.........
Posted by Agent DragonFly at 2:14 AM

...and then some peole have even left replies, such as:

Ruth Anne said...
Its a shared passion.
September 17, 2008 8:31 PM


http://agentdragonfly.blogspot.com/2008/09/dishwasher-organization.html

Week 17 - Silly Names

Humans are mad. Yes these names really do exits.

Anna Prentice, Annette Curtain, Jenny Taylor, Bill Board, Carrie Oakey, Hazel Nutt, Helen Back, Stan Still, Terry Bull, Paige Turner, Sonny Day, Tim Burr, Anna Sasin, Barry Cade, Barb Dwyer and last but not least Mary Christmas & Esther Munday the sisters!

:O

Week 16 - Planning is an unnatural process

"Planning is an unnatural process; It is much more fun to do something.

And the nicest thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise rather than being preceded by a period of worry and depression."

~ Sir John Harvey Jones

['rat' - by Roel]

Week 15 - Common Oak & Sessile Oak

All my walks in the forest have not been wasted chasing squirrels. I have learnt something; There are two types of Oak tree native to the British Isles. The Common Oak and the Sessile Oak. The Sessile Oak prefers uplands areas while the Common Oak prefers lower regions. You can spot the difference via the acorns. On the Common Oak the acorns are on little stalks and on the Sessile Oak they are not. Oak trees can live up to a 1000 years.

So if you are from a foreign land and wish to amaze some native 'Brits' whilst walking in the woods this year then dazzle them with your 'two oak' tale. They will be impressed.

There are two types of squirrel also native to the UK; Fat squirrels and thin squirrels. The only way to tell the difference is that fat squirrels are good for eating and thin squirrels are not. Remember that. Does anyone know if a Sessile acorn fed squirrel is fatter than a Common acorn fed squirrel?

Week 14 - Thompson's Gazelle

Did you know ...top 10 fastest mammals

1. Cheetah 71 mph
2. Pronghorn Antelope 57 mph
=3. Blue Wildebeest (Brindled Gnu) 50 mph
=3. Springbok 50 mph
=3 Lion 50 mph
=6. Brown Hare 48 mph
=6. Red Fox 48 mph
=8. Grant's Gazelle 47 mph
=8. Thomson's Gazelle 47 mph
10. Horse 45 mph


WOW - I mean we all knew the Cheetah would be first, but what odds that a Pronghorn Antelope and a Brindled Gnu would be runners up? I mean, is a Red Fox really slower than the Brown Hare? I think not, otherwise we would be swamped with hare as the woofing fox would never never catch any.... and how do they know that a Grants Gazelle is exactly the same speed as a Thompson's Gazelle. How? hey .and ....my...Loins are woofing faaaaaaaa-rrrrssst. Remind me not to bark at any on my walks,,, do they live in London? Hyde Park? Wimbledon?.....Bromley?

WEEK 13 - Fat Dog Characteristics

This week I have listed just some of my best qualities. Please note that this is only the list of qualities that easily springs to mind. For those that require a complete list, then please email me.

Sensitive, charismatic, professional, determined, caring, compassionate, dedicated, intelligent, numeric, eduacted, rational, resourceful, considerate, respectful, friendly, generous, helpful, artistic, punctual, amicable, sympathetic, tenderhearted, thoughtful, tolerant, understanding, refined, patient, humorous, loyal, numeric and modest.

I like my Horlicks strong and my squirrels fat.

[Editors note: We do not recommend that you serve your dogs Horlicks they should be given a balanced diet without hot bedtime drinks]

WEEK 12 - Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse

A 7.2 magnitude earthquake has just hit the Mexico and the Western Colonies. Amazingly on it's website which normally is a paragon of sanity in a sea of foaming discordant, guttersnipes, the BBC has the following statement;

"The LA Fire Department had also responded to a number of automatic alarms and people being stuck in lifts, reports said. Rides were temporarily suspended at the Disneyland theme park in California."

Well, woof me. Temporarily. Yes, Temporarily. Roel (more of Roel later) says...

"wow if your in a roller coaster during a earthquake that would be hell"

No Roel, I thinks. My hell wares shorts and his name is ....Keith Chegwin!I have this reoccurring nightmare of being stuck in a lift with Satans dark four. That is; Kieth Chegwin, Michael Woofing Winner, Timmy Mallet & Christopher Biggins. The four horsemen of the Apocalypse of British TV. And, they are also arguing or singing or dancing and sometimes dancing and singing and arguing. Then, there I am the other day minding my own business, and who is outside the station... Keith "Cheggers" Chegwin (born 17 January 1957).. dressed as a Scout, uniform, shirt, shorts, woggle and all, It was not a pretty sight. He has a huge cheesy grin on his face. Wooof. He was surrounded by about a dozen 'kids' also looking cheerful, doing some sort of publicity shoot with TV cameras outside the main entrance. It's 7:45 AM. I made a mental note not to go in any lifts for the next few days. It was a scary morning.

So the question is... who would you prefer to be trapped in a lift with?

1) The Wicked Witch of the West (Wizard of Oz)
2) Count Olaf ( A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket)
3) Gargamel (with his mangy cat Azrael) (From the Smurfs)
4) Kieth Chegwin (The Pale Horse of Death)

or

1) Timmy Mallet (The Red Horse of War)
2) Michael Winner (The Black Horse of Famine)
3) Christopher Biggins (The White Horse of Righteousness)
4) Kieth Chegwin (The Pale Horse of Death)

...think about this next time you get in a lift.

WEEK 3 - A Dog's Dinner - Air, Water & Food

My owner takes me to the Vet.

"My dog is fat" he says. The Vet ponders whilst I look at the floor. I'm not that fat. Then the Vet enquires;

"Mr Blog. There are only three things that go into your dog",

1) Air
2) Water
3) Food

"Which one do you think is making him fat?"

I look up.

By the spark of enlightenment and guilt that briefly occupies his face I believe my owner has guessed the right answer. Woof. Now he knows.

I stare at the Vet - I'll chase his cat one day.

Well it's not my fault is it? Humans are the problem. Look at fat humans they;

1) Go and buy the food
2) Prepare the food
3) Eat the food

All I do is eat what he gives me. Thus Fat Dog Says: Fat humans are x3 times as bad as fat dogs. If you are human and don't want to be fat then desist in any one of those three processes, either don't buy fat food, or don't cook it, or even then you don't have to eat the woofing stuff.

Anyway .... where is my dinner? A fat dog can not live on air and water alone.

WEEK 2 - ...Comming Soon

This is the working list of future weekly updates;

- Trapped in a lift with K.Chegwin, T.Mallet & M.Winner
- Utopia Game, Dar, Ashen, Roel, Burnty and all the gang
- Roel's Got Fleas
- Fat Dog Curry
- Fat Dog Pizza
- Fat Dog Chicken Courgette
- Fat Dog Salad
- Sausages & Fat Dog
- Bill Bryson
- Entertainment Value - Per Hour Per Pound
- People Minutes
- New Office Staff - Practical Jokes
- Of Furniture, Carpets and Curtains
- Monkeys In The Workplace?
- Sloths - The Easy Life
- Christmas Is For Pagans!
- Oliver Cromwell and Christmas
- Say No To Sandals & Shorts
- Flip Flops, Backpack and Sunglasses
- Dining Etiquette 1
- Lift Etiquette 1
- Train Etiquette 1 - In The Beginning
- Train Etiquette 2 - First Come First Served
- Bankers = Beancounters
- Supermarkets and YOU
- Of Bonfires & Front and Back Gardens
- Fatty Arbuckle
- Train Etiquette 4 - Mobile Phones
- Train Etiquette 3 - Dan & The Fat Man
- Chavs in Lan-dan innit
- FCUK = SIHT
- Of Cars & Parking
- Never Eat OTHER PEOPLES Biscuits!
- Fat Dog's scale of Woof!
- Do Squirrels live in trees?

One post a week (Friday lunchtime). This is just my notes. I'll add recipes also as Fat Dog loves good fud. I have a wealth of material to post, and with recipes and topical comments I probably have 100 posts without even trying.

WEEK 1 - Introduction

Woof! Well here we are. Fat Dog Blog. The world according to me ... Fat Dog. I have a lot to say! So pay attention and you might just learn something...

I must mention that none of the following material is copyright, use it for what you want, I really don't care - do your worst and give me a mention if you become rich and famous. Most of it is ripped off anyway. Ideas are never 100% genuine, well perhaps my one about a comedy sketch where Rolf Harris is employed at the National Gallery as a enthusiastic picture restorer (can you tell what it is yet?), might be genuine, but most are not.

Please be aware that my brain is not linear; it zig-zags through consciousness like an out of control bus, creating rare and unique connections that others overlook. It is a talent that I am sure you all will appreciate.

So please follow this blog weekly - I intend to publish once a week to cheer you up. All comments both good and bad are welcome! Woof Woof!