Week 32 - Supermarkets Bad

Supermarkets Bad! Why....

Fat dog has spent a lot of time tied up outside our local supermarket. I have seen many humans leave with so may items I'm sure they require. Please be aware that Lord Sainsbury paid for the last extension to the Tate Gallery; The Clore Gallery to house the Nations collection of Turner painting and drawings and the National Gallery extension in Trafalgar Square. He did this with your money and it cost 100's of millions of pounds.

Be aware that supermarkets are in the business of selling you not what you want, but what they want to sell you. This is the trick. To make you believe you are buying stuff you want (and need) when actually you are buying what they want you to buy and what they make the most profit on. Here are some points to look out for;


1) Portions - We throw away 30% of the food we buy. Supermarkets make portions too big. Buy x2 get one free is not necessary. Do not go for the buy one free offers, much of this is thrown away.


2) Placement - Supermarkets place what they want to sell you at eye level. Premium overpriced items go on the top shelf. Look on the bottom shelf for for the items they know we are going to buy and they make less profit on. In the old days mars bars were such a good seller they could put them anywhere, they sill sold, so why waste the prime space on them. often 'organic' items will be at eye level and within easy reach whilst the normal items are hard to get.

3) Offers - Offers are 'normally' fatty foods and sweets. Supermarkets do not have your health at heart. They want you BIGGER AND FATTER. Fatter people eat a lot more food. You will not see diet food on offer, normally they charge more for this. Do not buy x2 for 1 'offers' unless you were going to buy the product or you are a SUCKER!

4) 'Own Brand'. More and more shelf space is dedicated to 'own brand' products. The supermarkets make a bigger profit on these items. in the future I can see a time when most products are their own and they will start to hide this fact.

5) Packaging - OMG WOOF. 'Premium' range items will have 'premium' packaging to re-in force your pre-conceptions that they are worth the money. How on earth can you make people pay MUCH more for carrots? Well wash them really well and put them in a bag. Then you can charge x2 the price of loose carrots. I can see a time when all fruit and veg are sold 'in the bag'. Loose stuff is seen as 'dirty'. Not so. Don't believe this it's just another trick.

6) Size - 'Standard' vegetables and fruit - x3 big onions cost the same as a whole bag of 'budget' onions of varying size. Sod this. The basic fact is that not all onions grow to the same size. Try it, grow your own! You pay a lot more for regular sized items but please don't think this is normal.

7) Layout - Believe it or not, all supermarkets follow a similar overall layout. Fresh produce; fruit, vegetables, meat and dairy are all stocked around the outer limits of the store whereas pre-packed, processed and frozen foods are placed in the centre of the store.They do this on purpose. It means that to get to the stuff you need for your diet, you have to look at all the stuff you don’t. Then as you work your way through the aisles, you buy stuff you don’t need. You therefore spend more and they make more. Cunning isn’t it? They also keep staples such as bread and milk towards the back of the store in an attempt to get you to walk past almost everything else to find them. Plus, if you’re looking for tea bags, it’s no coincidence that biscuits are just next to them. Supermarkets pair up like for like products knowing that you’re more likely to end up buying both. You can beat them at their own game. Help your health and your wallet – stick to the perimeter. If you have to go into the middle, use the aisle signs to go straight to the product you need. Then you won’t be looking at unnecessary items.

8) Weight comparison - Supermarkets have to give the price per weight or volume of each item. It’s written underneath the price in much smaller writing. This is great for shoppers as it means we can look at how much the item really costs per 100g or kg. This way we can easily see how much we are really paying for an item and it helps us compare. However, to trip you up, supermarkets tend to show the price per unit in different amounts for similar products. For example they might mark own brand orange juice as 52p per litre and then they’ll mark Delmonte orange juice as 8p per 100ml. This is meant to confuse you and stop you being able to compare prices. It’s easy to beat them if you know your metric measurements though. A litre is 1000ml so that means that a litre of Delmonte costs 10 times 8p – 80p. This is actually more than the own brand, but it seems like it’s less when you just look at it because of the smaller unit measurement.Don’t let them fool you. Get measurement savvy and get the most for your money.

9) Local produce - Supermarkets hate local produce. They want national distribution only. Their suppliers have to supply to all the UK. Small local suppliers are useless to them as they want the same 'things' in all their shops, such that when you move about the country you can get the same items you normally buy at home. This is rubbish - CHAMPION LOCAL PRODUCE. Look at where your items come from, many suppliers are foreign in the supermarkets. STOP THIS!

10) Out of season - This is a basic wrong. You can now eat strawberries on Christmas day. Local producers can't do this. Apples are not 'fresh' all year round. This is NOT NORMAL' Most of this comes from abroad and is flown in. This is wrong. Stop buying out of season foods and the supermarkets will stop flying produce round the world. That is why food is so expensive.


How to beat the supermarket;

1) Try eating one or two vegetarian meals a week and you’ll be able to cut back on the meat you buy and save a small fortune.

2) Try not to visit the supermarket when all you need is 2 pints of milk – you’ll just end up buying things you don’t need, as well as wasting time and petrol.

3) Write a list - Go and ONLY get what you want on your pre-written list.

4) Don't shop at supermarkets! - There are plenty of other places to shop. Support your local butcher, baker and grocer. Even the 'corner' shop or 'village' shop is better. if you send the time you will realize that Supermarkets are not always cheaper or always convenient.

5) Grow your own food. It's easy and convenient to grow top quality fresh vegetables and fruit, so easy in fact that people have been doing this strange custom for tens of thousands of years.

6) Fresh squirrels are despite my complaints still not available at my local supermarket. However they roam free in the local woods and parks. [*special Fat Dog tip*]

Week 31 - Flip-Flops & Sandals

OMG, OMG, WOOF WOOF WOOFING WOOF-WOOF

1. Backpacks
2. Sunglasses
3. Flip Flops (sandals)

...on the underground.... Why! Take the Woofing sunglasses off your head, you are 30 metres under the ground, you don't need sunglasses! Backpacks are OK ..but take the woofing thing off and carry it so you don't shove it into the person when you turn round.

[Calm]... OK, so we have established that sunglasses and backpacks are more the attire of Michael Palin during a Summer sojourn in the Himalayas. What about the KILLER FLIP FLOPS!

======================================
====== FLIP-FLOPS ARE BEACH APPAREL ======
======================================

I will repeat. Beach, remember, sand, sun and discarded plastic bottles? That is where you ware sandals..NOT ON THE WOOFING METRO!. FLIP-FLOPS ARE DANGEROUS. It is a fact that elevators are x20 dangerous than lifts. Thousands of people are hurt (some seriously) on elevators each year.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Escalator

Many people have toes and other digits 'removed' by escalators each year. They seriously are dangerous. Wearing open-toed sandals in very crowded conditions where many of the people are unfamiliar with their surroundings is crazy. I have seen a one girl with her toe ripped open. Take special care with children, they are the most likely to be hurt on escalators.

http://www.healthzone.ca/health/yourhealth/article/842095--so-many-ways-flip-flops-can-hurt-you

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4172888.stm

At one point, I had 14 pairs of golf shoes.
Tea Leoni

[sigh]

Week 30 - Cat Food

Question: What colour is cat food?
Cat food is pink in France and in the UK it's brown. Does the cat give a monkeys? (Do cats give monkeys?) No. So why the change in colour? It's to make the stupid owners think that the food is what the cat wants. The French eat many meats bloody, and those in the UK like their meat cooked. Owners expect their cats to have the same tastes (literally) as them. In other words, if I was going to eat cat food I would like it cooked or non-cooked depending where I live. It makes them feel better and the advertisers & supermarkets know this. It's a dog eat dog world in the hectic cat-food sales market. [I enclose a picture of Barney, a Spanish cat who likes to eat his dinner at the table. No trick photography was used here - the woof likes it up high so us dogs can't reach it!].
Now this makes sense, as cats themselves don't buy catfud, so appeal to the direct catfud buyer. Go straight to the horses mouth as it were. Why,,WHY did I need to know this I hear you mutter whilst dribbling your tea on your keyboard... and the answer is...that it is a metaphor. What is the difference between steak mince, normal mince and bargain budget mince? You assume that the difference is better quality meat. How can you tell? The only visible change is better packaging (or more appealing to the owner packaging), cost and ......err....COLOUR (no one tastes 'mince' on it's own). Surprise, surprise. In fact if you do some research you will find that there is no definition of 'steak mince'. I can be exactly the same as 'mince' or 'budget mince', but with just a darker production colour. There is no UK law on the definition of 'mince'. Don't buy 'mince', make your own and feed the scraps to any small quadruped at your feet (NO NOT THE WOOFING CAT!).

I will leave you with some cat quotes to speed your day as I could not find any mince quotes. Woof!

Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia. ~Joseph Wood Krutch

I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days. ~Bill Dana

I believe cats to be spirits come to earth. A cat, I am sure, could walk on a cloud without coming through. ~Jules Verne Cats come and go without ever leaving. ~Martha Curtis

Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. ~Joseph Wood Krutch

If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats. ~Lemony Snicket

P.S....That quote made me think about mince..do they make cat-mince? ..err ..perhaps?

PP.S... No cats were injured in the making of this blog.

Week 29 - Quiz1

The little dog ponders some very important questions of life...

Q1. Where do Polar Bears and Penguins live?
A) Polar Bears = North pole, Penguins South Pole
B) Polar Bears = South pole, Penguins North Pole
C) They both live at both poles

Q2. Every year what % of boys and girls are born in the UK?
A) More % boys are born
B) More % girls are born
C) Equal proportions boys and girls

Q3. How many types of Oak tree are native to the UK?
A) 2
B) 3
C) 4

Q4. How many months were in the Roman Calender?
A) 10
B) 11
C) 12

Q5. Wine gums are made mostly of?
A) Gelatin from boiled bovine skin
B) Gelatin from corn extract
C) Re-hydrated fruit extract?

Q6. Who has more accidents, Left or Right handed people?
A) Left
B) Right
C) The same

Q7. To last fresh longer where is the best place to keep Bananas and Tomatoes?
A) In a rack in the kitchen
B) In the fridge
C) Both the same, makes no difference

Q8. Did the Portuguese introduce chillies to India?
A) Yes, chillies came from the Caribbean to India, India only had peppercorns
B) No, chillies were introduced to the Caribbean from Indian in 1500
C) No, chillies came from the north pole with the travelling Penguins!






Well, I'll give you a little thinking time... the amazing answer is Q1.B Q2.C Q3.B Q5.A Q6.C. Q7.B Q8.B - Explanation: please ignore this last list of answers they are all wrong. I put them there for those who scan to the bottom to cheat. The correct (and very true) answer to all the questions is A (all of them) tomatoes and bananas go off faster in the fridge, left handed people use right handed tools and get hurt a lot. 0.2% more boys are born each year. Wine gums are mostly boiled cow with 5% fruit juice. Polar bears only live in the north pole and penguins only in the south. There were only 10 months in the Roman calender, Sept 7, Oct 8, Dec 10 the last two months January and February did not exist as you could not work the fields and yes the Portuguese introduced Vindaloo into the Goan region of India 500 years ago - Chillies, tomatoes, pepper, potatoes and corn are New World foods. Two types of Oak tree silly, it's in an earlier fat dog blog. So now you can amaze your friends and family down the pub with fat dog questions. woof woof!

Week 28 - Train Etiquette 1

Fat Dog's Do's & Don'ts for Commuter Train Travel:

1) Sit in the first seat you see.
2) Don't pick you nose.
3) Don't pick your ear.
4) Don't pick your feet.
5) In fact DON'T PICK ANYTHING!
6) Sit Still.
7) Do have a quiet conversation with your companions.
8) Don't shout down the woofing mobile as if you are on a wind swept mountain top and the call is a matter of life or death. IT'S NOT! SHUT THE WOOF UP!
9) If you are a big fat woof then don't sit next to another big fat woofer (this rule supersedes rule 1)
10) If you have to make a call then keep it short, keep it quiet and don't just 'chat'
11) If you are a woofing day tripper and are bored after siting still for more than 60 seconds then don't ring home to ask if they know the whereabouts of your woofing PINK JUMPER ....'well I wore it when we went to Samantha's and Jeremy's BBQ last Sunday!'
12) If you are hungry don't ring home to arrange pizza... 'can I have [pause].. tomato..fresh not canned, [pause], mushrooms, [pause], peppers, [pause] , err, [pause], bacon, [pause], err, [pause] ....
13) Don't arrange your wallet, phone, ipod, in a line in front of you on the table and constantly pick one after the other up and examine it.
14) If you are on a training day in London with Sharon, Tracey and Sandra then just shut the woof up! No one wants to listen to you go on and on and on and on about office politics! TRUST ME ON THIS ONE!
15) Don't ask to see any ones ticket even if you are a ticket conductor, they have gates at both ends and no one gives a woof.
16) If some woof in a coat does ask to see your ticket then take 20 seconds to get your wallet out, then very slowly find your ticket, drop it on the floor, then slowly pick it up and proffer it to the inspector, only to exclaim 'ohh sorry, that was my ticket to visit Auntie Doris last Sunday'
17) Never ever, ever, eat anything on a train.
18) Always when drinking ice cool drinks go 'Ahhhhhhhhhh' after every sip.
19) If there is a choice between two empty seats, then pick the woof who has piled up his woofing bag and coat in the empty seat. Never offer to put it on the rack for them.
20) & never put anything in the overhead rack ..ever, you will forget it.
21) Never put your bag in the vestibule rack - once a bag full of IRA 'stuff' was stolen from a vestibule rack at Reading Station. This goes to show that both thieves and the IRA are crazy. The thief got two miles away before he realized he had a bag full of wires and batteries etc.
22) Don't repeatedly lift the back of seat shelf.
23) TAKE YOUR RUBBISH WITH YOU OR PUT IT IN THE VESTIBULE BIN! THIS INCLUDES EMPTY COFFEE CONTAINERS AND DIRTY TISSUES.
24) LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW WHILST MAKING A VERY ANNOYING PERSONAL CALL DOES NOT MAKE THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU 'DISAPPEAR'.
25) NO FARTING
26) AND NO WOOFING COUGHING, SNEEZING OR BLOWING YOUR NOSE, GO TO THE VESTIBULE/TOILET. IF YOU ARE SICK AND GOING TO WORK YOU ARE NOT A MARTYR YOU ARE A C.. WOOF!
27) NEVER TAKE MORE THAN 1/2 THE CENTRE ARMREST.
28) NEVER MAKE THE SAME WOOFING CALL TO ALL 25 OF YOUR FRIENDS TO TELL THEM ABOUT SOME INSIGNIFICANT HAPPENING IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU THINK IS EXCITING = 'HEY, GUESS WHAT! I FOUND MY PINK JUMPER! IT WAS IN THE CAT BASKET, YES IT WAS'
29) DON'T RING HOME TO DISCUSS HOW YOUR AMAZING TRAINING DAY WENT.
30) ALWAYS FALL ASLEEP AND DRIBBLE ON THE SHOULDER OF THE PERSON SITTING NEXT TO YOU.
31) When you have got the hang of DRIBBLING then try SLOBBERING, they will give you even more room!
32) Do remain calm at all times and enjoy your journey.
33) ZZZZZZZZzzzz [dribble] ZZZZZZzzzzzz [dribble] [dribble]ZZZzzz ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz

Week 27 - Monkey Art On The Moon

Dogs can read you know. We tear up the paper to hide the fact that we slobber on the pages whilst turning them. I read yesterday that there might be an art chip left on the moon. FAT DOG prefers the Internet and news like this is my favorite!

PBS’s History Detectives TV says there’s a tiny art museum on the moon. This rectangular, half-inch-by-three-quarter-inch ceramic chip was stowed away by the Apollo 12 crew on the great lunar schlep and it’s still up there.
The group canvas is mostly circuitry-esque, geometric shapes. Robert Rauschenberg drew a line. Claes Oldenburg drew Mickey Mouse’s head on a pike with his tongue jutting out. Andy Warhol drew a rocket. The kind that’s in your pants.

Mickey Mouse? Looks like a monkey to me!

LINK 1

LINK2

Week 26 - A Cure for Hiccups!

Dogs don't get hiccups. But this one really works on humans... trust me this is not a joke.

THE CURE: Place your fingers in your ears and drink water. You can either get a friend to gently tip half a glass(don't use full glass) to your mouth or use a straw. One good sip and swallow works by equalizing the pressure in your ears. Works every time to everyone's amazement.

Just tell them a little dog told you the secret!

Week 25 - Culture Is Not Just For Dogs?

Look at these two contemporary images from the 1560's.... 450 years ago. That is something like 20 generations past. Look at the centre of both images. Something is going on out of context. Can you see what it is? The message is that miracles go on all about us, our daily life continues and we miss the important events.

LINK 1

LINK 2


Explanation: Procession to Calvary, Pieter Bruegel, 1564. oil on panel 124x170cm, Kunsthistorisches Museum - This panoramic biblical scene is one of the most perfect depictions of humanity's mocking cruelty, insensitivity, and capacity for love. The scene set in a incredibly beautiful and haunting landscape is filled with as much laughter as it is terror. The clouds give the impression that God is just over the horizon and is not at all pleased with humanity. The notion that life goes on even in the face of brutality and terror makes this scene all the more compelling. Christ carries the cross in the centre whilst Mary weeps in the foreground. The soldiers gather in the top right. The crow waits for death (top right). So look again....


Explanation: The Census at Bethlehem, Pieter Bruegel, 1566 - Oil on oak, 116 x 164 cm. Musées Royaux des Beaux-Arts, Brussels - It is Christmas. A cozy winter tableau of an average village in Brabant. The inn is crowded. In mid-foreground, a woman seated on an ass, in the company of a man with a saw on his shoulder leading an ox – Mary and Joseph, of course, on their way to Bethlehem. In the exact centre of the picture is the Wheel of Time...


..if you don't look you don't see.

DETAIL 1


DETAIL 2

Week 24 - Beef, Couscous Salad

STEAK & COUSCOUS SALAD *****

Beef steak - cut into strips.
Lettuce shredded.
Lemon.
Couscous.
Tomatoes - vine x2
Olive oil - x4 caps
Balsamic vinegar - x2 caps
Greek yogurt
Mint fresh
Coriander
English mustard - x1 heaped teaspoon
Whole gran mustard - x1 heaped teaspoon
Bell peeper x1 cut into thumb size pieces
Small chillies x2

There are four elements for this dish

1) the beef,
2) a mint/lemon/coriander yogurt dressing,
3) tomatoes in mustard
4) & couscous and peppers.

An amazing salad for summer. For the yogurt dressing mix chopped coriander, chopped mint with cup of plain yogurt and add good squeeze of lemon, salt and pepper. Then chill in fridge. Pour boiling water onto a cup full of couscous in a bowl then pour off excess water straight away and stir in chopped mint and coriander. Cover, stir and set aside. Shred lettuce and chill in fridge. Slice the tomatoes then put in small bowl with the olive oil, vinegar, salt, pepper, chopped chillies, and both mustards. Stir to coat and cover and chill in fridge. Leave all this in fridge to chill and after 30min quickly fry the chopped bell pepper and add to the couscous then fry the beef strips with salt and pepper in a pan with the olive oil. Serve (the tomato oil/mustard dressing goes on the salad). Just as good cold as hot.

Week 23 - Clothes or Fur?

The little dog sits in the shade. It's a hot day in his home town. Fur can be awkward in the summer. But rest is not for this little canine as today he must again perambulate the subterranean maze that is know as The London Underground! Now, the four pawed little chap does not have to spend time 'getting ready'. He will venture out in the fur he stands up in. Not so for his master and the plenitude of two-pawed troglodytes he will encounter on his sojourn.

However these quotes show that there is hope for the Human Race:

"Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes" ~Henry David Thoreau, Walden

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" ~Linda Ellerbee

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society" ~Mark Twain

"If most of us are ashamed of shabby clothes and shoddy furniture, let us be more ashamed of shabby ideas and shoddy philosophies.... It would be a sad situation if the wrapper were better than the meat wrapped inside it" ~Albert Einstein

"Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe" ~Benny Hill

"Just around the corner in every woman's mind - is a lovely dress, a wonderful suit, or entire costume which will make an enchanting new creature of her" ~Wilhela Cushman

"When you can't do something truly useful, you tend to vent the pent up energy in something useless but available, like snappy dressing." ~Lois McMaster Bujold

"Know, first, who you are; and then adorn yourself accordingly" ~Epictetus

"Fashion is what you adopt when you don't know who you are" ~Quentin Crisp

"It's always the badly dressed people who are the most interesting" ~Jean Paul Gaultier


Fat Dog nods. Woof!

Week 22 - Plastic

The little dog sniffs the plastic container. 'PLASTIC!' thinks Fat Dog. The dog rolls the bottle over so he can see the bottom. The bottle has a number '1' in a triangle mark on the base. 'What does this mean' thinks the little dog? In the UK humans only recycle the plastic marked with either a 1, 2 or a 3. The other types of plastic (from 4 to 7) can be recycled but they are low grades and humans use they to fill up very large holes in the ground. So remember Fat Dog says look at the number on the base! 1,2,3 is good and must be recycled. They get the FAT DOG SQUIRREL MARK of approval! If in doubt, think FAT DOG and look for the triangle mark & remember 123 PET-HDPE-PVC


1 PET Polyethylene terephthalate - Fizzy drink bottles and oven-ready meal trays.

2 HDPE High-density polyethylene - Bottles for milk and washing-up liquids.

3 PVC Polyvinyl chloride - Food trays, cling film, bottles for squash, mineral water and shampoo.

4 LDPE Low density polyethylene - Carrier bags and bin liners.

5 PP Polypropylene - Margarine tubs, microwaveable meal trays.

6 PS Polystyrene - Yoghurt pots, foam meat or fish trays, hamburger boxes and egg cartons, vending cups, plastic cutlery, protective packaging for electronic goods and toys.

7 OTHER Any other plastics that do not fall into any of the above categories. - An example is melamine, which is often used in plastic plates and cups.

More information here: http://www.wasteonline.org.uk/resources/InformationSheets/Plastics.htm

Week 21 - Squirrles! To Eat Or Not To Eat?

Did you know, that Red squirrels are protected. So even if you find a stunned one by the side of the road you can't chew it. However Grey squirrels are a different matter....

Grey Squirrels:

Grey squirrels are listed on schedule 9 of the Wildlife and Countryside Act 1981. This makes it an offence to release, or allow escape, into the wild any grey squirrel. It is also an offence, by an Order under the Destructive Imported Animals Act 1932, to keep or import grey squirrels except under licence.

So, If for example you find a stunned grey squirrel by the side of the road this then puts you in a dilemma. You are breaking the law if you release it and it is also an offence to keep it... the solution to this paradox is obvious ...a tasty snack! Problem solved!

Week 20 - The Marshmello Test

Marshmello Test, you will need sound.

Editor: Warning, this test does not apply to dogs.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amsqeYOk--w

Week 19 - Agent Dragonfly

A Small fat dog stares at a screen and shakes his head.... This is from a blog called Agent Dragonfly.. Woofey, some people will write about ANYTHING!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Dishwasher Organization

...being all clean and perfect but I learned to let go. I had to for my own sanity.............one thing that I actually am anal about is how the dishwasher is packed. I don't know why, but I seriously have a system that I am pretty sure is the best sytem around and it saves space and therefor saves water and energy........
I am a flight attendant and am out of town ALL the time......when I come home and I see a TINY bowl taking up 3 spaces I freak out.......I have to rearrange the whole dishwasher. I have tried or at least mentioned the dishwashing system to Joe but that doesn't seem to matter. Its ridiculous but it matters to me and I am sick of moving stupid bowls or gladware from the wrong tier of the dishwashing system.
AND FYI Sara......your place is INCREDIBLY fabulous but when I tried to put the dishes in the dishwasher I did not understand your system.........
Posted by Agent DragonFly at 2:14 AM

...and then some peole have even left replies, such as:

Ruth Anne said...
Its a shared passion.
September 17, 2008 8:31 PM


http://agentdragonfly.blogspot.com/2008/09/dishwasher-organization.html

Week 18 - Stilton Soup

Fat Dog likes Stilton & Celery soup and also Leek and Potato soup....but even better is Stilton, Leek, Celery & Potato soup!

olive oil / butter
1 clove garlic
1 medium potato
2 stick of celery
2 leeks
1/2 carrot grated
pinch of thyme
Pinch of flour
1 vegetable stock
3 cups of water
100g Stilton


Really simple - Grate the leek, potato, and celery and fry in the butter/oil with the garlic. Do not brown, just soften. Then add all other ingredients. cook gently for 30min then blitz. Simples!

Week 17 - Silly Names

Humans are mad. Yes these names really do exits.

Anna Prentice, Annette Curtain, Jenny Taylor, Bill Board, Carrie Oakey, Hazel Nutt, Helen Back, Stan Still, Terry Bull, Paige Turner, Sonny Day, Tim Burr, Anna Sasin, Barry Cade, Barb Dwyer and last but not least Mary Christmas & Esther Munday the sisters!

:O

Week 16 - Planning is an unnatural process

"Planning is an unnatural process; It is much more fun to do something.

And the nicest thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise rather than being preceded by a period of worry and depression."

~ Sir John Harvey Jones

['rat' - by Roel]

Week 15 - Common Oak & Sessile Oak

All my walks in the forest have not been wasted chasing squirrels. I have learnt something; There are two types of Oak tree native to the British Isles. The Common Oak and the Sessile Oak. The Sessile Oak prefers uplands areas while the Common Oak prefers lower regions. You can spot the difference via the acorns. On the Common Oak the acorns are on little stalks and on the Sessile Oak they are not. Oak trees can live up to a 1000 years.

So if you are from a foreign land and wish to amaze some native 'Brits' whilst walking in the woods this year then dazzle them with your 'two oak' tale. They will be impressed.

There are two types of squirrel also native to the UK; Fat squirrels and thin squirrels. The only way to tell the difference is that fat squirrels are good for eating and thin squirrels are not. Remember that. Does anyone know if a Sessile acorn fed squirrel is fatter than a Common acorn fed squirrel?

Week 14 - Thompson's Gazelle

Did you know ...top 10 fastest mammals

1. Cheetah 71 mph
2. Pronghorn Antelope 57 mph
=3. Blue Wildebeest (Brindled Gnu) 50 mph
=3. Springbok 50 mph
=3 Lion 50 mph
=6. Brown Hare 48 mph
=6. Red Fox 48 mph
=8. Grant's Gazelle 47 mph
=8. Thomson's Gazelle 47 mph
10. Horse 45 mph


WOW - I mean we all knew the Cheetah would be first, but what odds that a Pronghorn Antelope and a Brindled Gnu would be runners up? I mean, is a Red Fox really slower than the Brown Hare? I think not, otherwise we would be swamped with hare as the woofing fox would never never catch any.... and how do they know that a Grants Gazelle is exactly the same speed as a Thompson's Gazelle. How? hey .and ....my...Loins are woofing faaaaaaaa-rrrrssst. Remind me not to bark at any on my walks,,, do they live in London? Hyde Park? Wimbledon?.....Bromley?

WEEK 13 - Fat Dog Characteristics

This week I have listed just some of my best qualities. Please note that this is only the list of qualities that easily springs to mind. For those that require a complete list, then please email me.

Sensitive, charismatic, professional, determined, caring, compassionate, dedicated, intelligent, numeric, eduacted, rational, resourceful, considerate, respectful, friendly, generous, helpful, artistic, punctual, amicable, sympathetic, tenderhearted, thoughtful, tolerant, understanding, refined, patient, humorous, loyal, numeric and modest.

I like my Horlicks strong and my squirrels fat.

[Editors note: We do not recommend that you serve your dogs Horlicks they should be given a balanced diet without hot bedtime drinks]

WEEK 12 - Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse

A 7.2 magnitude earthquake has just hit the Mexico and the Western Colonies. Amazingly on it's website which normally is a paragon of sanity in a sea of foaming discordant, guttersnipes, the BBC has the following statement;

"The LA Fire Department had also responded to a number of automatic alarms and people being stuck in lifts, reports said. Rides were temporarily suspended at the Disneyland theme park in California."

Well, woof me. Temporarily. Yes, Temporarily. Roel (more of Roel later) says...

"wow if your in a roller coaster during a earthquake that would be hell"

No Roel, I thinks. My hell wares shorts and his name is ....Keith Chegwin!I have this reoccurring nightmare of being stuck in a lift with Satans dark four. That is; Kieth Chegwin, Michael Woofing Winner, Timmy Mallet & Christopher Biggins. The four horsemen of the Apocalypse of British TV. And, they are also arguing or singing or dancing and sometimes dancing and singing and arguing. Then, there I am the other day minding my own business, and who is outside the station... Keith "Cheggers" Chegwin (born 17 January 1957).. dressed as a Scout, uniform, shirt, shorts, woggle and all, It was not a pretty sight. He has a huge cheesy grin on his face. Wooof. He was surrounded by about a dozen 'kids' also looking cheerful, doing some sort of publicity shoot with TV cameras outside the main entrance. It's 7:45 AM. I made a mental note not to go in any lifts for the next few days. It was a scary morning.

So the question is... who would you prefer to be trapped in a lift with?

1) The Wicked Witch of the West (Wizard of Oz)
2) Count Olaf ( A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket)
3) Gargamel (with his mangy cat Azrael) (From the Smurfs)
4) Kieth Chegwin (The Pale Horse of Death)

or

1) Timmy Mallet (The Red Horse of War)
2) Michael Winner (The Black Horse of Famine)
3) Christopher Biggins (The White Horse of Righteousness)
4) Kieth Chegwin (The Pale Horse of Death)

...think about this next time you get in a lift.

WEEK 11 - Etiquette 1: The Underground

The Scene:

On the London Underground

The train screeches to a stop as if sucking air through it's teeth. The doors open and the hoards depart in their dark pageantry of chaos. All except a small dog, who sits on the carriage patiently with his owner.

Fat Dog's Underground Rules

1) The underground is a subterranean dog distopia fit only for troglodytes and transient humans. No place for a dog. Always remain calm, sanguine, and compliant but also aloof and disdainful whilst on the Underground. Remember to wipe you woof on the seats. By the looks of it humans do this a lot.

2) Whilst waiting for a train examine the yellow line beneath your paws. Stand where the yellow line is most worn as the train always stops in the same position. This is where the doors will be when the train stops.

3) Trolley bags. By the frequency that others are disadvantaged and inconvenienced by colliding and tripping over your towed luggage, is it not obvious that this is the wrong place to be walking your woofing bag. Take your bag to the park or somewhere where you can let it off and it can have a good run in the open and chase squirrels.

4) The bombings of 7/7 were in the front of the train. So for the paranoid always be sure to sit in the back carriage.

5) Never sit in the back carriage as when two trains collide the metal is torn apart like a lawnmower cutting through tinfoil.

6) Never sit in the front carriage either for the same reason.

7) For the day trippers who are afraid of being trapped on the train at their station this is how it works: The train stops, then you get off. It does not work the other way round. There is no point in forcing your way towards the door till the train stops.... OK?

WEEK 10 - Murgh Dopiazah: Fat Dog Curry

This is Fat Dogs favourite curry. Fit for a beast!

Chicken With Onions: Murgh Dopiazah

x4 Chicken Breasts
x2 Large Onions
x2 Cloves Garlic
Chillies
Fresh Ginger
Lemon
Cooking Oil or Ghee (butter)
x2 Teaspoons of Ground Cumin
x1 Teaspoon of Ground Coriander
x1 Teaspoon of Ground Turmeric
x1 teaspoon of Star Anise (about x1 'star')
Chili powder
Chicken stock
1/2 Teaspoon of Saffron Threads
Salt/Pepper
1/2 Pint Natural Yogurt
Small Pot of Cream or Crème fraiche


For The Paste:

Put the ginger, chillies, x1 onion, garlic with the lemon juice and turn to paste. You can grate the onion and ginger if you don't have a liquidiser.

Preparation:

Cut up the chicken as you like and fry in hot oil until browned. Then remove and set aside. Chop 2nd large onion into slices and fry on high heat till softened. Then add the cumin, coriander, turmeric, aniseed and chili powder. They stir for 2 or 3 minutes and add back in the chicken pieces and add the stock to the pan.

Bring back to the boil for 2 or 3 minutes then add the paste mix from the liquidiser. Stir and then simmer for 15 minutes.

Meanwhile pour 1/2 inch of boiling water over the saffron in a cup. Leave to stand and then add this mixture now.

Cook for about 30 minutes. Then add salt/pepper. Add yogurt, stir in and re-heat. Then take off heat and stir in pot of cream or Crème fraiche. You an add another squeeze of lemon if you wish.

This is an amazing curry the combination of lemon, saffron, onion and anise makes an unique flavour. Fat dog has had many, many curries and this is the best. Fat Dog serves Murgh Dopiazah with plain white rice, finely shredded cold lettuce, a large dollop of yogurt (with fresh crushed mint) and a squeeze of lemon (I usually put a bit more spices and chili in as fat dog likes it really hot and strong).

Rice:

For fluffy rice every time, soak the rice in cold water for 30 minutes. Then change the water several times until the water becomes clear (This removes the starches from the rice). Then simmer the rice GENTLY in lots of boiling water (LOTS of water) . Watch the rice very carefully, it will cook quicker because of the soaking. As soon as the rice slightly fills out remove and strain. It should still be hard. Don't worry. Put rice back into the pot. Stir. Take off heat and put on lid. Pot should be hot. Now leave rice in pot with lid on. In five minutes it should soften slightly. Do not overcook rice as it will becomes soft, pasty and fluffy and not fit for dog consumption.

WEEK 9 - Remember To Perambulate Your Quadraped

The scene:

A quiet county house on a Summers day. An elderly lady shuffles about the large well groomed garden. She holds a black metal coal shovel in one hand and a red rubber ball in the other.

Daisy the Doberman loved to play a game. It's very simple; throw the ball and she would chased it. Then she would return with the ball and drop it in the grass and even kick it at you until you threw it again. Sometimes, If she felt energetic then she would run directly at you. Then at the last second with the skill of a swerving dolphin she would just miss you. Her velocity was about 15mph. Like a bicycle going fast. A racing greyhound can do 37.5 mph, and Doberman have a lot of greyhound in them, notice the deep chest and long head and pointy snout.

OK that's the dog.

The lady was in the garden for a reason. She held the coal shovel with intent. She was scooping up dog mess from the garden. The sun was shining and all was pleasant..... that was about to change...

On one of Daisys return legs something went wrong. The lady had almost filled the shovel. It was getting heavy. She was just bending down to pick a last troublesome offering when ...yes... Daisy travelling faster than usual made a mistake. The dog hit the lady in the legs at full pelt. Now the effect of a 40kg dog hitting you in the legs at 15 mph is to hurl you into the air... and slightly forward...

The lady landed hard on the ground. Unfortunately she landed in the 'non grassy' area. Worse was to come...

The shovel.. hung in the air as it reached the zenith of its arc then it descended back to earth with Newtonian precision.

The lady was in fact in pain. She could not move. She did roll a little, somewhat compounding matters. Now Daisy, with no ill effects, had regained her four feet, found the ball and quickly returned to to resume the game. However the lady appeared to want to play another sort of game as she was writhing on the grass and making funny noises. Daisy decided this was a prompt for her to lick the lady's face to see if she could help out. As dogs do. We are kind like that. Always helpful dogs you know. Good in a crisis.

So there you have it. I believe this scene went on for some time. The lady was unable to stand up in her ....distress as there was a 40kg dog standing over her. My master recounts the tale as when he appeared on the scene the lady had managed to make it indoors ejecting the words 'where have you been, I've been calling for ages!'

..and the moral for this weeks story? Fat Dog says: Walk your dog, or else!

WEEK 8 - Dead Squirrel

This weeks story starts on my daily recreational perambulation...

The Scene:

In a quiet country lane a man walks a small dog on a long lead.

I spot a motionless squirrel on the grassy verge. He's is nice looking little chap, quite dead. He has that clenched look on his face and looks full of flavour. I'm just just giving him the once over with my tongue when...

Mr Blog: "STOP - BAD DOG!"

I move my weight squirrelwards to counter the force on my lead that is imminent. My legs and shoulders tense, I drop my center of gravity, I ready myself with all the poise of an Olympic gymnast.

I lunge for my little friend.

At the same instant Mr Blog my 'owner' yanks my lead. It's close, but alas! Too late. I am dragged down they lane in protest without my prize.

I look up at my owner.

"BUT THAT WAS A SQUIRREL!" That is why we come on walks - to find squirrels!.

He ignores me. I sulk. That was my squirrel, I found it. I turn my head and mournfully look back. Nothing wrong with that squirrel. Why did we leave it behind?

See if humans don't like germs they why the woof do they go into hospitals? The place is full of germs and stuff. Even worse they go into the patient lounge and handle the TV remote. Woofing woof woof that is crawling with germs. They might as well be holding a squirrel!

Then there are Pharmacies. Only sick people go there and then they use the pen in the little pot on the counter to sign stuff. Woof, don't even think of touching anything after using those pens, and certainly don't use that hand to pop a pill into your mouth. As you might as well be licking a dead squirrel.

Fat Dog says - Remember to take you own pen to the Pharmacy next time you go to get at prescription and have to sign something.

WEEK 6 - "Ohh Oh Something To Do" - 24 Series 8

Dogs have good hearing, and we overhear a lot of strange stuff I can tell you. For example I head this man the other day talking into a little black box.

Man on mobile - "No I took both shoes today"

pause

Man on mobile - "Because I did not want to leave one at home"

I pondered on this a while. I came to no real conclusion. I stared at the floor, then at his feet. Yes, he had two legs and yes he was wearing two black shoes. What on woof was he on about? Last week, in the lift, the conversation got even stranger.

It went like this;

Girl 1 - "Blah blah blah, yeah and of course there is 24, I like that"
Girl 2 - "oh yeah series 7, seen all of those"
Girl 1 - "No, not series 7, Series 8 is out now"
Girl 2 - looks up in amazement
Girl 2 - "Ohhhhhhh"
Girl 2 - "Ohhhhhhh"
Girl 2 - "Something to do in the evenings!"
Girl 2 - smile

..she must lead an exciting life then. Woof me and I thought chasing squirrels in the forest was a fun day out. So in 24 there are x24 shows, each 45 minutes long and it covers a full 24 hours of this humans frenetic life. I don't know what humans do all day but my day usually goes a bit like this;

- 1/2 hour thinking about squirrels.
- 1/2 hour burying things in the garden (possibly a squirrel!).
- 1/2 hour eating.
- 1/2 hour trying to remember where I buried the stuff from earlier.
- 1/2 hour sniffing my butt etc (euphemism).
- 1/2 hour for recreation.
- 21 hours sleeping and lying about. Dog rest. Staring at ceiling etc.

So when does Jack Bower get time to do a bit a squirrel chasing? He does not. This programme is not realistic, I doubt it's realism.

WEEK 5 - A Dog Of Letters

I like to believe I am well read in the book department and familiar with the 'classics'; Tess of the Baskerville's, the The Da Vinci Code, Delia etc. I now only read the following:

1) Marquis de Sade - Complete Works.
2) Argos Catalogue (2010 Edition)
3) Pre-1967 Lincoln City Football Programmes.

The Marquis adds an excellent historical and literal component, Argos's mighty tome keeps you current with the latest gadgets and street speak, and I do relish the football programmes for their quaint colloquialisms and vernacular peculiarities. I do not read anything else.

My owner does not read, but to look intelligent he keeps on his desk a lone book. Purchased from a second hand book shop this single act has increased his standing at work by leaps and bounds. Try the following:

- Alistair Cook - The Biography by Nick Clarke
- Explorations in Western Philosophy
- Globalizing Capital: A History of the International Monetary System (second edition)

You need the book to be impressive, and boring. Should your choice prove too mainstream then this might invite questioning. Since you have no intention of reading past the outside cover, questions are to be avoided. Try to pick books that are out of print as there is less chance of others having read them. Nothing less that 500 pages should be considered. Make sure they are displayed on your desk and over a few weeks move an old train ticket through the pages as if reading. Never fails to impress. Always keep some generic retort ready for the suspicious intellectual tyring to catch you out.... "ohh yes, not bad, but I've read better".,, ooh and never ever try this with anything remotely political and never use a new book it must be second hand.

WEEK 4 - Fat Dog Meatballs

Fat Dog food! This a a great dog dinner!

For The Meatballs:

- 1 lb Mincemeat (make your own!)
- Coriander (or any fresh herb)
- Olive oil for binding
- pinch of flour
- Crushed garlic
- Chillies

For The Sauce:

- Olive oil
- 1 Medium Onion
- 1 Tin of Tomatoes
- Coriander (or any fresh herb)
- Paprika
- Red Wine Vinegar

+ Dumplings (packet), spinach and chilled creme fraiche.


Method:

Don't use ready made mince. It's rubbish. Make your own meatballs by gently blitzing steak meat of your choice in a blender, leave some fat in. Do not turn it to mush. One second blitz then shake, repeat a few times. Mix all the ingredients together and shape into meatballs then fry in olive oil for 10 min or until they start to go dark brown. Then set aside. Meanwhile, fry the onion in olive oil then add the tin and all the other ingredients. Add water if needed. Then simmer slowly for 20 min to reduce (add a pinch of flower if needed to thicken). Add the meatballs with the olive oil and any bits. I then add dumplings. When the dumplings (packet) and cook with the lid on the pan for approx 25 minutes. When everything is ready I then cover the pan with a thick layer of fresh spinach and cook till the spinach starts to wilt (2 minute). Serve with a big spoon full of chilled creme fraiche.

Additional - I normally add extra garlic and chillies, and a spoon full of mustard to the dumplings. You can also use rosemary or basil or thyme instead of coriander. You should not think of these as meatballs, but rather steak balls as you know what has gone into them.

WEEK 3 - A Dog's Dinner - Air, Water & Food

My owner takes me to the Vet.

"My dog is fat" he says. The Vet ponders whilst I look at the floor. I'm not that fat. Then the Vet enquires;

"Mr Blog. There are only three things that go into your dog",

1) Air
2) Water
3) Food

"Which one do you think is making him fat?"

I look up.

By the spark of enlightenment and guilt that briefly occupies his face I believe my owner has guessed the right answer. Woof. Now he knows.

I stare at the Vet - I'll chase his cat one day.

Well it's not my fault is it? Humans are the problem. Look at fat humans they;

1) Go and buy the food
2) Prepare the food
3) Eat the food

All I do is eat what he gives me. Thus Fat Dog Says: Fat humans are x3 times as bad as fat dogs. If you are human and don't want to be fat then desist in any one of those three processes, either don't buy fat food, or don't cook it, or even then you don't have to eat the woofing stuff.

Anyway .... where is my dinner? A fat dog can not live on air and water alone.

WEEK 2 - ...Comming Soon

This is the working list of future weekly updates;

- Trapped in a lift with K.Chegwin, T.Mallet & M.Winner
- Utopia Game, Dar, Ashen, Roel, Burnty and all the gang
- Roel's Got Fleas
- Fat Dog Curry
- Fat Dog Pizza
- Fat Dog Chicken Courgette
- Fat Dog Salad
- Sausages & Fat Dog
- Bill Bryson
- Entertainment Value - Per Hour Per Pound
- People Minutes
- New Office Staff - Practical Jokes
- Of Furniture, Carpets and Curtains
- Monkeys In The Workplace?
- Sloths - The Easy Life
- Christmas Is For Pagans!
- Oliver Cromwell and Christmas
- Say No To Sandals & Shorts
- Flip Flops, Backpack and Sunglasses
- Dining Etiquette 1
- Lift Etiquette 1
- Train Etiquette 1 - In The Beginning
- Train Etiquette 2 - First Come First Served
- Bankers = Beancounters
- Supermarkets and YOU
- Of Bonfires & Front and Back Gardens
- Fatty Arbuckle
- Train Etiquette 4 - Mobile Phones
- Train Etiquette 3 - Dan & The Fat Man
- Chavs in Lan-dan innit
- FCUK = SIHT
- Of Cars & Parking
- Never Eat OTHER PEOPLES Biscuits!
- Fat Dog's scale of Woof!
- Do Squirrels live in trees?

One post a week (Friday lunchtime). This is just my notes. I'll add recipes also as Fat Dog loves good fud. I have a wealth of material to post, and with recipes and topical comments I probably have 100 posts without even trying.

WEEK 1 - Introduction

Woof! Well here we are. Fat Dog Blog. The world according to me ... Fat Dog. I have a lot to say! So pay attention and you might just learn something...

I must mention that none of the following material is copyright, use it for what you want, I really don't care - do your worst and give me a mention if you become rich and famous. Most of it is ripped off anyway. Ideas are never 100% genuine, well perhaps my one about a comedy sketch where Rolf Harris is employed at the National Gallery as a enthusiastic picture restorer (can you tell what it is yet?), might be genuine, but most are not.

Please be aware that my brain is not linear; it zig-zags through consciousness like an out of control bus, creating rare and unique connections that others overlook. It is a talent that I am sure you all will appreciate.

So please follow this blog weekly - I intend to publish once a week to cheer you up. All comments both good and bad are welcome! Woof Woof!